One of the synonyms for “offence” is “affronted” or a milder word, “bothered”. But the word offence better incorporates the full spectrum of emotions, including displeased to angered, provoked to insulted, resentful to bitter or irritated to outraged.
It can be triggered by a simple slight, an ill-spoken word or sentence, an action, or a misconstrued action. It could be hurtful words, unmet needs, unexpressed expectations, minor unresolved conflicts or even personality differences. Sometimes, unacknowledged effort or input or even a lack of apology can be a catalyst for offence. Or maybe someone makes a joke in poor taste or about something you are sensitive about or doesn’t respond to a text as you would. There are a million instances which can offend.
Consider the last time you experienced an offensive moment with another person. A close person, an associate or even a stranger. What did you feel, and what did you do with the feelings stirred up?
Offence easily grips our hearts if not dealt with immediately. Once the offence has assessed our hearts and minds, we view people in general through its lenses. It gradually steals our peace and joy and affects our well-being.
The nature of offence is to spread; one area of offence or offence in one relationship extends to others. Before we realise it, we are offended by many people and in various situations. The hook takes root and multiplies.
Close relationships are an opportunity for closeness and intimacy and simultaneously an opportunity for offence. It is easier to let go of offences of those people we aren’t close to. We may be irritated or angry, but the hurt is minimal. For those closest to us, the pain or hurt can be far more profound and significant. We have fewer firm boundaries and can become more easily offended.
A hardened, offended heart happens in close relationships, one offence at a time.
We don’t always notice as it happens. We allow a single offence to rest in our hearts, and we nurse it for a time, then a few more. In the process, we enable offence to take root and harden our hearts towards another.
What does the bible say about dealing with offence?
- Settle matters quickly or as soon as they arise.
- Don’t pick on every minor issue. Let something go and believe the best of others.
- Examine your heart.
- Get it right with others before you pray and worship.
- Forgive quickly and often.
- Allow Jesus to heal any pain or hurt.
- Sometimes, we just have to drop it and let it go! Offence is always a choice.
What to do with an offended and hardened heart?
- Recognise the state of your soul.
- Resist the temptation to defend yourself unless necessary.
- Give up the need to be right and have the last word.
- Take a step back from your emotions, or at least give a little time until you respond.
- Consider reconciliation rather than distance when your emotions are under control, and you have softened your heart towards the other person.
- Only take responsibility for your part.
- Effect personal boundaries if necessary.
- Ask Jesus to lead you towards healing and restoration of any pain or hurt.
John Bevere, author and speaker, describes offence as one of Satan’s most deceptive tactics that all Christians encounter and an offended heart as a breeding ground of deception. The destruction of offence applies to both religious and non-religious people. It is a human problem. In a state of offence, we lose our ability to think clearly and rationally about people and situations. And it certainly can steal our joy!